Getting There FAST- Deleted from Beaches

Not sure about you, but there's a lot going on in my head.
While the one and only negative feeling I can detect is "fear", overall, I feel pretty good.
I'm excited about where I am. I'm excited about where you are.
I'm even okay about where are are, but not so much about where we're going.
I really do want to do the fast. I need the clarity, I want the direction.
I just don't know how I will handle strong conviction that it is time for us to operate any differently than we do now.
It's one thing for me to feel it. It's another to have divine revelation...that I asked for. I can't imagine that you aren't aware of the same possibility, so while I definitely want every drop of anointing on you there is to get, I find myself thinking, is she just trying to expedite the moment in which we learn that we have to separate? Is she ready to leave? Can I prepare myself for her to be in that place?
Is she "gone already"?
Evenings like last night make it that much harder. I could have laid there forever (charley horses and all!).

So, I'm a bit anxious right now. And yet, still excited about what lies ahead.
If I trust that God intends the best for us, I know I should not be afraid, but when I tell you I don't want to lose you... What an understatement.
I wish I could establish an agreement with the Holy Spirit that stipulated any revelation was fine as long as it reveals how WE can operate together for God's glory. LOL
Either that or the Holy Spirit would promise to convict us so strongly and overwhelmingly that we would't even look back. Unfortunately, that's not how life ususally works.

I don't think the Holy Spirit will reveal anything that I don't already see in the flesh. I think the Easter play is preparation for me.
Things are different. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I know that's really not so bad. I'm searching to find a way to maintain a unified spirit even with our separate calls. Seems easy enough in theory...

Anyway, that's what's on my mind.

It feels weird to feel you so close and miss you all at once.

I Need a GPS

Took this off of "our" blog. Wanted to remember what I said, though...

I NEED A GPS

Sitting in training with "bubble thoughts" floating around my head. Figured I'd blow them your way. =)
I'm not crazy, uber jealous or deranged...really, I'm not. I just kinda sorta wish I had a way of knowing for sure "where" you were. I don't know honestly that I could handle the twists and turns, but I guess I'm a glutton for the punishment truth brings. Sometimes I feel like the truth would be a surprisingly pleasant surprise. Sometimes I feel that my heart would be crushed by it. But that's life, right?
Anyway, I know you probably weren't prepared for me to love you and need you so wholly. Be careful what you ask for. LOL. I am still, thank God, able to appreciate our separate lives and unique perspectives. I just have this deep need to feel connected at all times. It's like a pacifier. Baby need bah-bah. =o)
One more thing: as much as I love your being there for me and getting better all the time at taking care of me, you gotta let me continue to be there for you too. I may be as awkward as you once were now that our roles are evolving, so it's important for me to feel that you receive and appreciate my attempts to be there for you, even if I miss the mark sometimes.
Somebody loves you! Off to the next session...

Snap, Crackle, Pop!

For the race is not given to the strong nor the swift, but to he(she) who endures until to the end.

I see this lesson magnified for me in significant ways in my life.
God gave me strength and speed, but I guess it's up to me to develop perseverance and stamina. I clearly am missing some key components in my approach to living that will help me succeed in this area.

But I will not be anxious about it. It is not too late. It is not over. I have not yet given up. There is still time for me to gain the lesson and create a sense of fulfillment. I will pray for God to open my mind and heal my heart and calm my spirit. I will ask for His blessings upon everything I put my mind to and will work with a humble and expectant spirit.

I see it now. I am owed NOTHING by the universe. Everything is a gift...and I am eligible to receive it.

Yesterday

Yesterday, I felt what I used to feel all the time
Connected, warm, sure, intense
I felt like neediness was a good thing, essential
And I needed you

Your kisses were CPR.
Your touch was so healing I was scared
The beauty of your breasts took me by surprise
I wondered if I'd even been there before

I felt electric desire pulsing through my body
pushing me towards you
Daring me to stand in the way and risk being run over
I felt like opening you wide, climbing inside
rolling around in your secret chamber and hiding from the rest of the world
I felt us
I felt us
I felt me in you
I felt you in me
I felt we
I felt us

I felt like I wanted our bubble to expand and expand and expand
until it held both of our worlds inside
and we were together and protected

Yesterday, I quieted the voices for a moment
.
.
.
But they returned
Having been commissioned to keep me straight,
Mindful, insured
They told me that while this was no child's play,
I'd better see it as such
And be prepared to put my toys back into the chest
they reminded me that I didn't want to hide
I didn't want to be covered
Nor hidden from view
I didn't want to be contained
I wanted to celebrate, and I did for as long as I could
And once the bubble burst
I did what I had to do to find the strength to blow out the candle

Run Tell Dat

So, tonight, I have to admit, I felt sexy
A good girdle and a sexy pair of heels works wonders
Brothas and sistas alike kept saying, "You look so good!"
It felt good

But the icing...the icing on the cake

I'm standing at the bar waiting for my appletini
The music has been off the chain, the vibe is "hotness"

He rolls up to me and whispers in my ear
"I've never seen you dance like that before.
I'm gonna tell the pastor."
Feeling irie, 1 1/2 drinks in, I push my rotating hips into him and whisper
"It's because you weren't looking,"
"Tell him this," I say as I roll my hips into his manhood
Oooh, it's been a while. I think I forgot.


So, here's the text he got last night, probably before he got 50 yards from my car, after dropping me off (surely the result of inebriated boldness):

You can tell the pastor
Tell him that my gyratin' hips
felt as comforting as Mama kneading dough
And he'll say "Amen"

You can tell the pastor
Tell him that like Joseph you had a dream,
a dream that my lips were anointed for more than spoken word
And he'll say "Hallelujah!"

You can tell the pastor,
Tell him how strange my fruit made you feel
And he'll teach you how all things work together

You can tell the pastor
.
.
.
But there are some things the Rev. just don't need to know

'